Renaissance

Was talking to Rach the other day and she was saying how writing really helps make her feel better. I really haven't been writing down my thoughts for a long long time; I've also forgotten how to. It's October now and I feel like I've been doing nothing to make my life better or make myself happier. I'm a mess. I really am. I feel like I haven't been wanting to come to terms with it. I guess, we all have to admit our mistakes before we can move on and learn from them.

I'm gonna start to pen down my thoughts again. Like what Rach mentioned, only you can motivate yourself. Reading self help articles can only help so much. Only you know how you feel and only you should decide the road forward.

#1 Love yourself more
I've always placed others before me, always eager to please others and unknowingly, I'm sacrificing my own happiness. Start living and not existing, C. Start living for yourself, do what you love, live the moment and stop thinking so much. Take charge of your life and have fun.

#2 Focus on the right things
You do know what you want in life. But, you are not ready to work hard for it. Come on, admit it. You ARE lazy. Success don't drop from the sky, you need to grab the opportunities and work on them. Always remember what Michelle Obama said.

#3 Go do the things you've been saying for years
Yes and stop procrastinating. Lose weight, take up guitar and drums, go back to Korean class etc. Stop procrastinating and just do it.

#4 Start cooking, again
Cooking always calms me down and recently I've been so tied up that I'm so lazy to cook? Remember how you always get a huge sense of accomplishment when people compliment your cooking? Start cooking again! It's a win win situation for you, C.

#5 Be happy, because you deserve to
You are only sad because you choose to. Live, love, laugh. Laugh out loud, be stupid, be unglam, be whatever you want as long as you are being yourself. Remember that and stop wallowing in self pity. You've been unhappy long enough. So please be happy. Positive Affectivity always works! Always remember what Dr Yeap said in class.


Brand new week starts tmrw, so start living! Make the last quarter of 2015 counts. It's all in your hands :)

2015.

How is it the 5th day of 2015 already?? So I'm turning 24 in 2 months time. I think age doesn't really matter to me anymore. I no longer dread the fact that I'm turning older. Age is just a number, really. Hmm okay maybe not hahaha. I'm getting back aches more frequently, can't stay up late even if I want to and my immune system is not as strong anymore. Sometimes, I can feel my body getting slower hahaha but it's okay. As long as I have a healthy mind and heart, I'm sure I will still be young!

So 2014. What did I do? I stepped into the real world, started working, got hurt, fought back, stood up again. 2014 wasn't as fun as I thought it will be but I definitely learnt a lot. 2015 will definitely be better and I'm also ready to embrace all the challenges. I don't really do the resolution shit anymore (No one follows them anyway). I just hope 2015 will be filled with fun and happiness doing what I'm suppose to and not forgetting to do the things I love.

2015, bring it on.

Is it normal that I feel sad while browsing through old photos and blog posts? I really miss my free afternoons. Work has been pretty great but why do I feel sad? It's like I'm saying goodbye to my previous carefree life. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I keep feeling this way? And it has only been a month of working.

I got even more upset after I see my tummy increasing in size :( I'm feeling super sleepy now and I wish I can take a nap. Sigh it's a Friday and I'm suppose to go TGIF but no. I have two back to back meetings tmrw till 4pm on a fucking Saturday.

I kinda lost it. The will to prove myself and do well. I feel lost, I don't know where I fit in. Sigh I'm always like that right. I'm so disappointed in myself. But I can seems to find the motivation and passion that I had when I first started work. Is this normal?

Sigh C. You gotta get up and try and try and try

The first week of work is almost coming to an end. Work's been pretty okay so far. I'm learning new things almost every day and everything seems way more interesting than I thought it will be. Honestly, I've never thought that I will be interested in cranes and the other equipments that my company has. I have a huge ambition and I really wanna know as much as I can. I know it's only been 5 days but I feel like my pace is still kinda slow? Everyone has got their own job to do so there is only so much that they can teach me. I follow my dad around when I'm free and ask him questions along the way. I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. Everyone is still pretty nice so far. We won't know for sure in the long run. I'm gonna stick to my principle- Stick to what you think is right.

Past few days have gotten me thinking, what do I want for the company? I know it's a bit early to start thinking about this since I have not really grasp the company's operations. We all need a direction though. What are my visions for the company? Where do I wanna bring the company to? Lots of these questions in my head. Also, what do I want for myself? Where do I want to be in 5 years time? And do these visions include my company? Will I stay here for long? Idk if I'm overthinking or it's normal.

I'm still kinda proud of myself though. These 5 days, I've put myself in many situations that are way out of my comfort zone but I told myself "Fuck it, just do it." And I think I'm doing pretty well, haha. I do know what my co-workers think about it but I think I do not really care (okay I do abit la).

I used to think I'm a lost kid just a few months back. I don't know what I want, I didn't know what to do. I'm so glad I kinda took the leap of faith and let nature take its own course. I'm now even more sure that in life, we should not be too bothered if we feel lost. It's only natural that we feel lost sometimes. What's important is that, we are ready for what's ahead of us. Be ready to embrace the challenges. This is exactly what I'm feeling now. Being in this position and industry may not be what I've wanted all my life, but I'm well-paid and I'm in good hands. I should be thankful for that isn't it?

Since young, my ambition changes like the fluctuations in the stock market haha. I wanted to be a teacher, lawyer, cashier, singer, designer, cosmetics developer etc..... And here I am, a BDM. Nothing related to what I wanted to be when I was young. That's life isn't it?

I'm looking forward to bringing the company to greater heights. I want my dad to be proud when people compliments me. Idk how am I gonna do it but I will. I have faith in myself. I'm not the smartest and most hardworking person out there but I'm sure with determination and the passion to succeed, I will be able to make it. For the past 23 years, I've done nothing to make my parents proud. I think it's time for me to buck up. For my parents and most importantly, for myself.

I can't be more thankful to my friends and family. They are ALL so supportive and I'm so touched :') Although I hate waking up at 630am in the morning, I don't really mind staying after official work hours. Or maybe it's because I just started work.

I'm writing this down because I have nothing to do for the past 2 hours so I decided that I should write down my feelings so that when I read back in a few month's time, I know how I felt.

To the new me, 힘내라~

WHAT'S UP 2014.

Okay I'm almost 3 months late. Well with all the new micro blogging platforms app, blogging on a laptop seems so 2000 and late. Hahaha I kid. I still love blogging when you are typing on an actual keyboard.

So I must say 2014 has been treating me fairly well (cept for the going to be working soon part). Impromptu trip to HK with Celine where we spent almost 10k sgd in 5 days, climb hills and mountains to find Joyrich, fruitful trip at Chrome Hearts, battling the HK crowd (no joke) and having lots of yummy food *__* Then it was CNY, most boring ever I don't even wanna talk about it. Then I suddenly went into hibernation where I stopped going out and talked to anyone for erm Idk, weeks? I kinda love my hibernation mode actually. It's really rejuvenating for me.

After almost 3 months of doing nothing, I finally felt bored. I never thought I will say this but yes, I was feeling so bored that I think I might go crazy. Part of me kinda can't wait for work to start but another part of me knows that I will definitely regret. So for the work part. What have I been doing? Well, I've attended 2 meetings and 3 dinners, not cool. I just don't feel comfortable in situations like this and I hate that I'm uncomfortable. I wanna be able to hold conversations and socialize. That brings me to the dinner I had today. All I can say that it's a total disaster. Honestly, I wasn't prepared. I rehearsed in my head all the situations that may have happened but still I did not perform up to my standards. Is it normal to regret doing certain things and not doing certain things at such events? Everytime after I attend a dinner, I can't stop thinking about the things I said and the things I should have said. Sigh it matters a lot to me :( I don't want people to think I'm a bimbo, I don't want them to think I don't know anything. I have so much to prove that I feel that sometimes I'm over-stressing myself. It's not healthy isn't it? Setting such high standards for myself. I never liked putting myself in situations I'm not comfortable it. I absolutely detest it. But it seems like it's unavoidable now. My sister ask me how can I stand it? Fact is, I can't stand it. But I just throw myself into such situations. Don't think, just go. Why? I know I will think of how to survive once I'm in the situation. No matter how much I hate it, I'm already in the situation so there's nothing else I can do but to adapt. I'm not sure if this is the right way but I guess it's kinda working for me.

My birthday is coming up and for the first time (or maybe not the first time), I'm not excited anymore. One thing to be happy about is that... I'm not that bothered about my age anymore!! Hurrays hahaha. I hope by the end of the year, I will be able to say turning 23 is one of the best things that happened in my life. And I also hope I will be able to have some achievements that my family and friends will be proud of. Hi Working Life, I'm all ready for you!

Oh and I just got myself some off-days in May. Boss says yes so yays I should be travelling in May *^^* Perks of working for your dad ;)

The day I dread the most is here. Will be taking my last paper in approximately 12 hours. I should really be sleeping but I can't. I can't explain this fear in me. I knew this day was gonna come sooner or later but sigh, I'm still not ready. 

So, this is the end of my education life. Not a student anymore but a working adult (soon). Idk what to feel about this. Fear is all I can feel now, really. :(

I'm looking forward to all the travelling I may do but when March comes, I think I will cry like a baby everyday, whining to everyone how bad my day is and all the sleepless nights... I can foresee them coming. 

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic after all. Working means money and I should really just enjoy this final holiday of mine. 

To a stronger and independent me..

Goodbye Student life. You will be greatly missed. 

I wonder... Done dreaming of how my wedding will be like. I don't even have someone who wants me as their bride. This is very sad :(